Handling Meat With Birkin!

Me and pengy were talking on Runescape earlier about Meats. He's not too confident
with his culinary skills regarding the manliest of foods, and thus I thought to part with
him (and you guys) some of my knowledge of these cholesterol-inducing treats!

Lets start out with something simple and delicious: Jerky! Everyone loves jerky, a
mighty tasty confection that was perhaps created by cavemen a couple of thousand
years ago, perfected by various cultures about the world. Just about any sort of meat
can be jerked into perfection, and this is made all the better if one uses the right sort
of sauce before jerking. ;3

For this recipe, we'll go with red meats, in particular Angus/Beef and Venison/Deer.
You might be wondering why we chose red meats, well that's simple. Red Meats offer
a nice texture and great body. Who would want a flaccid piece of meat in their mouth?
No one! Red meat offers that nice rigid quality that we all want to suck and chew on
for hours!

Here's a list of things you'll be needing!

Manly list of awesome materials
- 1 1/2 to 2 pounds flank steak (Beef or Venison if available.)
- 2/3 cup Worcestershire sauce
- 2/3 cup soy sauce
- 1 tablespoon honey
- 2 teaspoons freshly ground black pepper
- 2 teaspoons onion powder
- 1 teaspoon liquid smoke
- 1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
- Special Broquipment: 1 box f

Awesome List Of Alternative Recipes!

Jamaican-style Jerked Meat!
3 pounds lean Beef (or jut trim that shit like in the other recipe!)
½ cup water
2 teaspoons Caribbean hot sauce
½ teaspoon onion powder
¼ cup white vinegar
1 teaspoon mustard
1 teaspoon black pepper
¼ cup pineapple juice
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
¼ cup chopped scallions
1 teaspoon dried basil
1 teaspoon dried thyme
1 teaspoon salt


EXXXTREME DIRECTIONS!!!1110ne

First things first, we have to prepare our meat for jerking and to do that
have to get it in shape! Only the finest meats will be permitted entry into
mouths! Take your flank steak and slam it on the counter top, then take
the biggest, sharpest knife you can and begin trimming the excess fat off
the edges. Not everyone likes a fat piece of meat in their mouths, after all.
Once trimmed, stash that bitch in a zip-top bag and place it in the icebox
for 1 to 2 hours. Play some manly games while meat thickens up, aw yea.

When finished dominating your game, remove the steak from your freezer.
By now your meat is a lean , mean fighting machine, so cut that bitch into
smaller, long, succulent strips. Be sure to cut along the meat’s grain, so it won’t
fall apart!

Once you’ve ascertained your dominance over your meat, place the strips along
With all the other edible ingredients into a large, 1-gallon plastic zip-top bag and
shake it like a ho who owes you money! That way all the delicious man-sauce can
evenly coat the meat! Place the bag back in the fridge and let it soak for 3 to 6
more hours. Now would be a good time to go knock up some willing females or
save the world! Or Both!

Once you’ve save the world and/or spread your seed to some lucky girl(s), its time
to check on our pre-jerked jerky! Take the meat strips from the bag and use a towel
to dry the excess man-sauce from the meat. At this point its important to be gentle
with your meat strips. After all, we want it to be rigid and firm! Handling your meat
too roughly may result in spillage of man-sauce on the counters and floors and may
make your jerked meat limp and unsatisfactory.

Now we get to play McGyver ! Take the dried meat strips and evenly distribute them
amongst 3 of the air filters, making sure to place them in the grooves before stacking
the filters on top of one another. Top these with 1 empty filter. Next lay the box fan
on its side and lay the filters on top of it, much like you did one of those wenches
earlier! Strap the filters to the fan with two bungee cords (again, like you did the
wenches) and then stand the fan upright. Plug the fan up and set it to the medium
setting. Allow the meat to dry for 8 to 12 hours.

Once dry, you’ll now have your jerky! Enjoy! If placed in an air-tight container and
you store it in a cool, dry place. Your jerked meat can stand for 2 or 3 months, but
once you taste how delicious your meat is, you won’t be able to stop gobbling it
down!


As a superspecialawesome bonus, I'll show share with you one of my favorite manly
dishes that centers around the jerky you just made! It'll give you a flavorgasm!

It's funny because it's full of innuendo!

Brilliant.

...on multiple levels.

I was following the directions but I had a little trouble here.

Quote :

First things first, we have to prepare our meat for jerking

I've been jerking my meat furiously for the past half hour. I don't think it's working.

I've been handling it pretty rough but it keeps getting soft on me. Is there a way to keep it harder, longer? This would make my meat so much tastier.

Thanks dude.

Only Birkin can jerk meat like that. say, can you make Brazilian jerked meat?

I have a serious question birk. The knife we have at my house is dull as an unholy broadsword that he been molested by a catholic priest. I wish to go out and buy a new one, can you recommend me a good one? Are certien types of knives better for cutting meat than others? I'd like an all-purpose one but I would be willing to buy a set as well.

A very good question, Pengy. The most important thing to look for when looking for a
good kitchen knife is whether or not the blade is stamped or hand-forged. Stamped blades
are often appealing because they offer bulk and are relatively cheap. they're sharp out
of the box and are good, for about the first dozen or so times.

The bad thing about stamped knives is that they're quick to dull. They're made from
poorer grades of steel and since they're stamped, they're most certainly serrated, too.
This allows them to extend the blade's life for a while, but also means there's no real
way to sharpen the things for renewed use.

Go for a forged blade instead. You'll notice three things right away when comparing
a forged blade and a serrated blade: Weight, Balance and Quality. A forged blade is
made up of a single piece of metal, with most of the weight concentrated in the hilt.
This gives you profound control of the knife when you're using it, which means safer
usage. You'll notice that most if not all forged blades are NOT serrated, which means
they can be re-sharpened indefinitely, which means you won't need to replace them
as often. Lastly, you'll notice that forged blades are just made better. They're often
made with higher grades of steel or titanium. Are treated to resist stains and rust,
and certain brands offer life-time guarantees.

The only real drawback to forged blades is that because of their superior quality,
they're often very expensive. Good quality knives can run you anywhere from
$80 to $300 dollars or more for a set of three. That isn't to say there aren't any
good quality knives for the average joe. I found this article on google which may
offer you some helpful consumer advice, pengy.

http://www.cookingforengineers.com/article/129/Chefs-Knives-Rated


Khonny! its good that you've beaten your meat into submission, but I fear you
might have gotten a little carried away. It should only taken a few minutes to
beat your meat into a whimpering sack of flesh, after which you should have
thrown it in the freezer to toughen it back up. If that doesn't work, then you'll
just have to get more meat. Tenderizing, especially excessive amounts of it,
weakens the muscle tissue of your meat. After a while, it just gives up and
falls apart. When it gets like this, there's no saving it.

As for you, Dumbo. Allow me to look through my vast tombes of culinary
dark arts and see what I can't find on this Brazilian verity of jerked meats.

=o

Thanks for the link.

Dumbo, it looks like none of my books have any Brazilian recipes in them, and google is
likewise fruitless. Can you tell me where you've tried Brazilian Jerky, or perhaps if it
has any other names, some of the ingredients perhaps? And you're welcome Pengy.

Well actually it is Jamaican jerk beef. Sorry about that but the have Jerk beef jerk spice. In fact jerk spice refers to spice rub. Jerked meat can be purchased all over Jamaica along with hard dough bread.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jamaican_jerk_spice

There you go, Dumbo! Your Jamaican bob-wait no, wrong movie. Your Jamaican-style of
jerking meats!

I prefer to beat my meat with a meat tenderizer. Is this okay?

No, it isn't ok!

Using a traditional tenderizer doesn't make meat tender, it destroys it! D:< Instead, use
this method. Take some cellophane or plastic sandwich wrap and gently spritz it with some
water. Place your meat on one half of the cellophane and then fold the other half over it.

Then, take a heavy, smooth weight and begin slapping your meat, with slow, even swats.
When tenderizing your meat, be sure to keep pressure on the meat and gently pull the
blunt object towards you.

This softens the meat without destroying any of the succulent fibers, and doesn't cause
perorations in the flesh which can allow all that delicious meat juice out.

I've got a family reunion coming up, and I think some jerky might be the perfect thing to bring.

I was considering letting my little cousin jerk and handle my meat while I prepare some special sauce. Do you think a 12-year-old will be able recognize how much jerking is too much? I might not be able to direct him the entire time, since I'll be so focused on bringing my sauce to a boil.

On second though, should I just jerk my meat myself? I like to include the little ones in our family activities, though.

Probably not, but he will jerk your meat with gusto! Alas, gusto does not make jerked
meat good. If you must include them in on the jerking process, allow them to do some
simple stuff, such as helping you prepare the sauce ingredients and to shake the bag
once the ingredients are securely in the bag.

What is a proper bag handling technique?

Another good question, Pest!

I had to think on this one for a bit. Every person has their own unique way of handling
bags of meat. A few things need to be considered. First, how much meat and man
sauce are you going to be using? Of course, the more meat and sauce, the bigger the
bag must be! Then there's the type of bag you'll be using. Will it be a standard ziplock
bag, that you pinch and tug on to seal, or will it be one of those fancy zip-top bags?

I'd suggest the latter for its simplicity, durability and leak control! Then all you must
do is get a bag thats size appropriate. From there we can move on to the technique!

Place all of your meat in the bottom of the bag(s) and then coat them with your man
sauce. Zip the bag up tightly and began sloshing the contents around. Remember, we
want the sauce to cover every square inch of our meat, otherwise it can't be jerked
properly! You'll want to make sure and roll the bags evenly, especially in cases where
you're using a pinch-zip bag. Beware of seepage, otherwise your bag may burst open
and spill your meat and man sauce everywhere.

Once the meat is thoroughly coated, open the bag a smidge and carefully squeeze
out all of the excess air in the bag. Why? Well, it'll allow the man sauce more contact
with our meats, adding more flavor to our future jerky!