This topic has jokes in it

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Arizona. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Arizona. We settle small disagreements like this with the Arizona Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Arizona Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!"

The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"












The lone ranger is out riding one day and gets captured by a tribe of indians. The chief comes to visit him and
says "Hello lone ranger. you are well known. We WILL kill you in three days time, but out of respect for you, I will
allow you to live for three days, and I will grant you a wish for each day. Now, what is your first wish?"

"Where is silver? I'd like to talk to my horse," replies the lone ranger. The chief thought this an odd request, but he brought the horse in. Lone ranger whispers into silvers ear....and at once silver runs off. The chief is in awe when he comes back an hour later with a gorgeous blonde, who then stays the night.

The next day, the chief says "You have two days left to live; what would you like today?" And the lone ranger again asks to speak with his horse. Silver is once again led into the room, and the lone ranger whispers into his ear....and silver turns and bolts away. The chiefs jaw drops when silver comes back with a stunningly beautiful redhead, who once again spends the night with the lone ranger.

The chief comes the next day and says "Lone ranger, this is it. you die TOMORROW. anything i can do for you?" "yes, i'd like to speak to my horse in private please." So the chief brings silver in and leaves them alone. The lone ranger reaches and pulls silvers head down and says "for the love of god silver, this is your last chance. i need you to bring the POSSE














A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What’s wrong?" he says.
"I’m having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!"
The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.
"You bastard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!"
















The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm.

In the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v!"

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey friken vunted in ze forst place.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm,
his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little annoyed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"













At St. Peters Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husbands marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, Iva tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."











The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."
The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."









A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the
young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwin...g the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.
Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"
And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land.







A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."














An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!"

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." Shaking his head, he continued, "I just can't take that chance."











A man is walking down a country road when it starts to rain. And I mean monsoon weather, it's not letting up. So he decides to stop at a farmhouse and asks the farmer if he can stay the night, at least until the rain subsides. The farmer agrees, but only if the man can do something for him. The man, thinking himself rather cunning, tells the farmer he can talk to animals. The farmers thinks it's special so he gives the man a room for the night and the following morning takes the guest out to the barn and has him talk to the animals.

First the farmer points to the sheep. "What does she have to say?"
The man goes over to the sheep, bluffs some clairvoyance and says "The sheep... she says you're an excellent farmer and you always treat your animals right, only sometimes you shear her too roughly."
The farmer is amazed, and has the guest talk to a hen. Again the man pretends to be reading the hen's mind and says "The hen... she says you're an excellent farmer and you always treat your animals right, but sometimes you handle her eggs too roughly."
The farmer is flabbergasted. "Okay, one more animal and you've repaid me!" He says. So the guest, delighted his scheme has worked, goes over to the horse, closes his eyes and pretends to read the horse's mind. The farmer jumps up and screams:

"Don't listen to him! He's a goddamn liar!"














So this duck walks into a pet store and says to the clerk, "Got any duck food?"
"No", says the clerk, "we only sell dog food and cat food."
"OK", says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any duck food?"
The clerk once again replies, "No, like I told you, we only sell cat food and dog food."
"OK", says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any duck food?"
The clerk says "Hey look, I told you two times already that we only sell cat food and dog food!"
"OK", says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any duck food?"
This time the clerk yells "We don't sell any duck food and if you come in here one more time asking, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the ground!"
"OK", says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any nails?"
"No", says the confused clerk.
The duck says, "Got any duck food?"

A Tomato, A Cucumber and a Penis are all sitting around a table one night, downing their
sorrows in beer, each lamenting on just how hard their lives are compared to their other
companions.

The Tomato sighs as he leans against the table. "Man, I hate my life! When I get big, fat and
juicy, people cut me up and throw me into a salad!"

"That ain't nothing!" replied the cucumber begrudgingly. "When I get big, fat, and juicy. They
throw me into a jar of vinegar and spices!"

"You call that rough?" replied the penis. 'When I get big, fat, and juicy. Someone throws a
plastic bag over my head, shoves me into a dark room and then beats my head against
the wall until I throw up!"

A man was leaving South America, but wanted to bring a small monkey back to the USA. When he tried to to so, customs stopped him and said that he couldn't bring it on the plane.

So he gets an idea; He puts the monkey in the front of his pants, and gets on the plane. He takes his seat next to a grandmother, and starts reading a newspaper.

About an hour into the flight, he cried out in an orgasm.

The grandmother, not knowing what was happening, asked what was wrong.

"Nothing, grandmother, I'm fine.", the man said.

Another hour into the flight, he had another.

"Sonny, something is wrong. Let me call the stewardess.", the grandmother said.

"No grandmother, no. I am fine."

"No, no. You need some help.", the grandmother replied.

"No, no. Please wait. I want to show you something.", the man said, pulling out the monkey.

"Its so adorable! We need to feed it.", the grandmother said.

"Feed it? It's already drank TWO cups of milk!"

Herb is telling wally about the brand new thermos he brought for their camping trip. "It's great," he said. "The guy at the store where I bought it told me it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Sweet," said Wally. "What do you have in it?"

"Three coffees and an ice cream sandwich."
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An artist at a gallery asked the owner if there had been any interest in his paintings. "Good news and bad news," said the owner. "A fellow asked about your work and wondered if it would appreaciate in value after your death. When I assured him that it would, he bought all twelve of your paintings."

"Wonderful," said the artist. "What could the bad news possibly be?"

"He was your doctor."
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A couple of cows were chatting while grazing when on says to the other, "Hey, hace you heard about that mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah. It makes me glad I'm a penguin."
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"Do you know about the birds and the bees?" Asks little Johnny's father.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

Johnny's father is perplexed and asks him what's wrong.

Little Johnny sobs, "First, there was no Santa Claus, then there was no Easter Bunny, and then no Tooth Fairy. If you're gonna tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
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How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, women can't change anything.

Except diapers?

Yeeeep.

So Mr. Smith went to the local town clinic to pick up his wife from her physical.

'I'm so sorry Mr. Smith, but there were TWO Mrs. Smith's that came in today, and we mixed up their tests' said the receptionist, 'Though, i'm afraid it's bad news either way. Your wife either has Alzheimers or Aids.'
'So, what should I do?' Mr Smith replied.

The receptionist thinks for a minute, then responds: 'Take your wife to the middle of town and drop her off. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her.'

I LOL'D HARD SIR