Bob!!!

I wish I didn't have to write a letter like this one, but recent events leave me no choice. In the text that follows, when I quote from Bob, I will use the word "excrement" in place of another word which is now apparently permitted in general circulation publications and which I have edited out. His jeremiads should be labeled like a pack of cigarettes. I'm thinking of something along the lines of, "Warning: It has been determined that Bob's ideals are intended to demonstrate an outright hostility to law enforcement." Although theoretical differences can be drawn between his adversarial shenanigans and hideous Stalinism, these are distinctions without a difference. To pick an obvious but often overlooked example, Bob always sounds like he's reading a prepared speech. There are several logical contradictions in his position on this matter. For example, Bob's legates contend that "'the truth', 'the whole truth', and 'nothing but the truth' are three different things." First off, that's a lousy sentence. If they had written instead that Bob always represents himself as the victim, as betrayed and sinned against, demeaned and tormented because of society's jealousy then that quote would have had more validity. As it stands, Bob once tried to support international crime while purporting to oppose it. If you consider this an exception to the rule then you obviously don't understand how Bob operates. I hope, however, that you at least understand that he likes to seem smarter than he really is. It therefore always amuses me whenever Bob cracks open a thesaurus, aims for intellectualism, misses, and lands squarely in a puddle of eccentric frippery.

Bob says that he wants to make life better for everyone. Lacking a coherent ideology, however, Bob always ends up testing another formula for silencing serious opposition. I recently heard a famous celebrity—I forgot which one—say, "Bob is greedy for the well-being enjoyed by others." That's such a great quote, I wish I had been the one who thought of it. Sadly, the cleverest thing I ever said was that it will not be easy to report as best as possible the facts and circumstances surrounding Bob's batty practices. Nevertheless, we must attempt to do exactly that for the overriding reason that he says that he has mystical powers of divination and prophecy. What he means by this, of course, is that he wants free reign to propound ideas that are widely perceived as representing outright isolationism.

On theoretical grounds alone, Bob's statements are so filled with errors that I feel some futility in replying to them. To enter adequately into details or particulars upon this subject in such a short letter as this is quite out of the question. Hence, I will only remark here, in a general way but with all the emphasis of earnestness and truth, that anyone who has spent much time wading through the pious, obscurantist, jargon-filled cant that now passes for "advanced" thought in the humanities already knows that Bob is a mean old Scrooge. What may be news, however, is that flattery will get Bob nowhere. And here, I aver, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in Bob's tactics. Of course, there is a lot of debate on this subject but the best scholars warrant that it's debatable whether Bob arrogates to himself the right to set up dissident groups and individuals for conspiracy charges and then carry out searches and seizures on flimsy pretexts. However, no one can disagree that if I have a bias, it is only against careless misers who lead an active disinformation campaign. To sum it all up, thanks to Bob, pretentious humanity-haters can now freely make today's oppressiveness look like grade-school work compared to what Bob has planned for the future.

Why do I want to hurt you so much without even reading any of that?

I just can't understand it. I read it sentence by sentence and the words just don't register for me.

I'm guessing Bob stands for a religion.. I'd like to say Christianity since it is usually the one that takes all of the heat but I am not sure..


Fatality.. you have two days to explain your reasoning for copying and pasting this rant from something else you have read or it may/may not be thrown into the trash can depending on court ruling.

havoc i had this made it exist no were else or will it ever it is is a joke not aimed at anyone or anything http://www.pakin.org/complaint

"That's the only explanation I can come up with as to why huge throbbing cocks accuses me of admitting that drug money is being used to pay for the construction of huge underground cities intended to house both humans and aliens who serve a secret, transnational shadow government."


neat website

I got the joke Fatality. It would appear that in the months you were gone everyone in Umbrella has suffered from a severe case of missing senses, in particular the humor sense. In fact, I carefully took the time to write out a severe complaint towards the Umbrella Corporation in general, word for word, out of my own head, and I totally didn't use that complaint generator you linked to in your post.

I feel compelled to preface my remarks with the following: The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates's legatees seem to be caught up in their need for enemies. Let me start by stressing that I am not attempting to suppress anyone's opinions, nor do I intend to demean The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates personally for his beliefs or worldviews. But I do believe that I must call a spade a spade. You should check out some of the things he's saying about adventurism. The litany of inaccuracies, half-truths, made-up "facts", and downright falsehoods will shock you. And I won't even bother mentioning that The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates makes a lot of exaggerated claims. All of these claims need to be scrutinized as carefully as a letter of recommendation from a job applicant's mother. Consider, for example, The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates's claim that undiscoverable, unmeasurable, magical forces from another plane of existence have given him superhuman wisdom. The fact of the matter is that the world has a surplus of stupidity. But what, you may ask, does any of that have to do with the theme of this letter, viz., that the few materialistic ragamuffins who deny this are not only wrong, they are willfully disgraceful? This is an important question because we must understand that no one will ever accuse him of being laconic. And we must formulate that understanding into as clear and cogent a message as possible.

Difficult times lie ahead. Fortunately, we have the capacity to circumvent much of the impending misery by working together to fight scurrility and slander. If The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates were to suck up to effete personæ non gratæ, social upheaval and violence would follow. It is therefore clear that one of The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates's squadristi keeps throwing "scientific" studies at me, claiming they prove that collectivism is the key to world peace. The studies are full of "if"s, "possibly"s, "maybe"s, and various exceptions and admissions of their limitations. This leaves the studies inconclusive at best and works of fiction at worst. The only thing these studies can possibly prove is that if this letter did nothing else but serve as a beacon of truth, it would be worthy of reading by all right-thinking people. However, this letter's role is much greater than just to hold The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates responsible for the hatred he so furtively expresses.

Knowledge and wisdom are The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates's enemies. He understands that by limiting education and enlightenment, he can fool more people into believing that character development is not a matter of "strength through adversity" but rather, "entitlement through victimization". Sadly, those with the least education are those who would benefit most from the knowledge that The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates's primary goal is to destroy everything beautiful and good. All of his other objectives are secondary to this one supreme purpose. That's why you must always remember that if the country were overrun by childish autocrats, we could expect to observe widespread discrimination in our daily lives—stares from sales clerks, taxis that don't stop, and unwarranted license and registration checks by police. It is never easy to judge what the most appropriate or effective response to The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates's inimical traducements is, but one unfortunate fact remains clear: The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates's confreres are tools. Like a hammer or an axe, they are not inherently evil or destructive. The evil is in the force that manipulates them and uses them for destructive purposes. That evil is The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates, who wants nothing less than to cause pain and injury to those who don't deserve it.

Will the most unrestrained undesirables you'll ever see ever tell you things that The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates doesn't want you to know? Don't bet on it. You might say, "His provocateurs, who are legion, are blissfully ignorant of his brutish insinuations." Fine, I agree. But his stentorian jibes redefine humanity as alienated machines/beasts and then convince everyone that they were never human to begin with. News of this deviousness must spread like wildfire if we are ever to scrap the entire constellation of pathetic ideas that brought us to our present point. If The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates were to get his greasy hands on the levers of power he'd immediately keep us hypnotized so we don't resolve a number of lingering problems. If you don't believe me then consider that his belief is that he should be free to abandon the idea of universal principles and focus illegitimately on the particular. Hey, The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates! Satan just called; he wants his worldview back.

If anything will free us from the shackles of The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates's cruel excuses, it's knowledge of the world as it really is. It's knowledge that the world is full of people who make our lives a living hell. We don't need any more people like that. What we need are people who are willing to illustrate the virtues that The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates lacks—courage, truthfulness, courtesy, honesty, diligence, chivalry, loyalty, and industry. We need people who understand that The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates is thoroughly gung-ho about revisionism because he lacks more pressing soapbox issues. The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates's polity appears to be growing in number. I indisputably pray that this is analogous to the flare-up of a candle just before extinction, yet I keep reminding myself that The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates will probably respond to this letter just like he responds to all criticism. He will put me down as "pesky" or "otiose". That's his standard answer to everyone who says or writes anything about him except the most fawning praise. Anyway, I hope I've made my point, which is that The Umbrella Corporation Afilliates's spokesmen are profoundly influenced by what he says and does. And please, do not forget to take joy in the numerous counts of errors in the spelling of affiliates.

tl;dr

Through this letter, I intend to serve as a facilitator who will help you draw your own conclusions about Dr. Tl;Dr.. That is, I'll be your "guide on the side", not a "sage on the stage". With my assistance, you'll soon gain a deep understanding of how the chief difficulty in writing about Dr. Tl;Dr. is that we must do right and fear no one. The following text regards my complaints of recent days against him and his subtle but uncongenial attempts to lead people towards iniquity and sin. Should someone think that I am saying too much, I am not saying too much but much too little. For we must not miss our chance to help people break free of his cycle of oppression. For that reason, as our society continues to unravel, more and more people will be grasping for straws, grasping for something to hold onto, grasping for something that promises to give them the sense of security and certainty that they so desperately need. These are the classes of people Dr. Tl;Dr. preys upon. Okay, I've written enough for one letter, so let me just finish by saying that professional outrage artists are always boasting that a book of Dr. Tl;Dr.'s writings would be a good addition to the Bible.

I think adding Dr. as Tl;Dr's title was a creative touch, if one were to ask me.

Let me begin this letter with a few simple statements of fact. First fact: What Mr. Synyster Gates seems to be forgetting is that you'll never hear him admit he made a mistake. Second fact: His tactics include personally attacking various individuals for whom I have a great deal of respect. Third fact: This, of itself, is prima facie evidence that many recent controversies have been fueled by a whole-hearted embracing of complacent, stiff-necked diatribes. These three facts bear repeating over and over again. They are simple and self-evident, but it is easy to forget them in the blizzard of lies and obfuscation coming from Gates and his lickspittles these days. In the first place, Gates wants to put a longiloquent spin on important issues. This desire is implanted in a part of his brain that's immune to reason or argument. Consequently, there's no chance that we can get him to see that as our society continues to unravel, more and more people will be grasping for straws, grasping for something to hold onto, grasping for something that promises to give them the sense of security and certainty that they so desperately need. These are the kinds of people Gates preys upon.

Gates has been known to "prove" statistically that he does the things he does "for the children". As you might have suspected, his proof is flawed. The primary problem with it is that it replaces a legitimate claim of association with an illegitimate claim of causality. Consequently, Gates's "proof" demonstrates only that his catch-phrases are like a Hydra. They continually acquire new heads and new strength. The only way to stunt their growth is to take stock of what we know, identify areas for further research, and provide a useful starting point for debate on Gates's incompetent, unruly crusades. The only way to destroy Gates's Hydra entirely is to provide more people with the knowledge that he says that the sun rises just for him. You know, I don't think I have heard a less factually based statement in my entire life.

Some of my acquaintances express the view that formal education is no guarantor of intelligence. Others express the view that Gates has nothing intelligent to say. I am prepared to offer a cheer and a half for each view; together, they paint a sufficiently complete picture of Gates to warrant a full three cheers. It is my personal opinion, based on years of observation, that he once tried convincing me that every word that leaves his mouth is teeming with useful information. Does he think I was born yesterday? I mean, it seems pretty obvious that Gates doesn't want us to exercise all of our basic rights to the maximum. He would rather we settle for the meatless bone of deconstructionism.

When Gates hears anyone say that ill-tempered popinjays are the biggest threat to freedom the world has ever seen, his answer is to persecute the innocent and let the guilty go unpunished. That's similar to taking a few drunken swings at a beehive: it just makes me want even more to convert retreat into advance. I have a dream that my children will be able to live in a world filled with open spaces and beautiful wilderness—not in a dark, scabrous world run by manipulative galoots. Gates's declamations are dictatorial. They're unnecessary. They're counterproductive. Whenever I encounter them I think that if I didn't think Gates would pigeonhole people into predetermined categories, I wouldn't say that he maintains that we should cast our lots with wayward drongos. This is hardly the case. Rather, there is growing evidence that says, to the contrary, that he has conceived the project of reigning over opinions and of conquering neither kingdoms nor provinces but the human mind. If this project succeeds then viperine, cynical punks will be free to bury our heritage, our traditions, and our culture. Even worse, it will be illegal for anyone to say anything about how Gates is a hard worker. He works hard to prevent anyone from commenting on his picayunish calumnies. This is of course most illuminating, but what if we wish to engage rather in eristic search for truth, or in heuristic debate, or perhaps in paromologetic illation? In my experience, Gates has delivered exactly the opposite of what he had previously promised us. Most notably, his vows of liberation turned out to be masks for oppression and domination. And, almost as troubling, Gates's vows of equality did little more than convince people that Gates asserts that I'm some sort of cully who can be duped into believing that we ought to worship self-indulgent authoritarians as folk heroes. That assertion is not only untrue but a conscious lie.

I never used to be particularly concerned about Gates's perversions. Any damned fool, or so I thought, could see that on the issue of clericalism, Gates is wrong again. Sure, he functions not as a social critic but as an unoriginal imitator of the ruling ideologues. But you should be sure to let me know your ideas about how to deal with Gates. I am eager to listen to your ideas and I hope that I can grasp their essentials, evaluate their potential, look for flaws, provide suggestions, absorb feedback, suggest improvements, and then put the ideas into effect. Only then can we shield people from Gates's unambitious and shambolic deceptions. Gates's prank phone calls are a logical absurdity, a series of deductions from a premise that has been denied. Speaking of absurdities, Gates's tirades have created a huffy universe devoid of logic and evidence. Only within this universe does it make sense to say that Gates has the trappings of deity. Only within this universe does it make sense to treat people's bona fide personal devastation as bathos. And, only if we give parents the means to protect their children can we destroy this blathering universe of his and keep our priorities in check. I definitely intend to exercise my franchise to serve on the side of Truth. That's all I have to say. Thank you for reading this letter.

-- the Umbrella Corporation --

1 - It is its moral imperative to undermine the individualistic underpinnings of traditional jurisprudence.
2 - The average working-class person can't see through its chicanery.
3 - Its blessing is the equivalent of a papal imprimatur.

Obviously, all three of these are sincerely insecure. All of this once again proves the old saying that we have not only a right but also a responsibility to induce the Umbrella Corporation to perceive its errors of perception and judgment and make it realize that as part of its latest power grab, it has been supporting international crime while purporting to oppose it.

-- Dr. William Birkin M.D --

There are some comments I need to make regarding Dr. William Birkin, M.D.. I will start this discussion by arguing that Dr. Birkin's brinkmanship and tin-rattling is aimed at prodding the government into sanctioning his attempts to destroy, debauch, devalue, and dehumanize a wide assortment of innocent people.

-- Sir Jabba the Hutt --

Having said that, let me add that in the Old Testament, the Book of Kings relates how the priests of Baal were slain for deceiving the people. I'm not suggesting that there be any contemporary parallel involving Sir Hutt, but I don't care what others say about Sir Hutt. He's still hidebound, disrespectful, and he intends to cause riots in the streets.
The idea of basing our entire society on benighted fetishism is so far from reality, it's laughable. Ergo, his flunkies actually believe the bunkum they're always mouthing. That's because these kinds of rancorous con artists are idealistic, have no sense of history or human nature, and they think that what they're doing will improve the world within a short period of time. In reality, of course, I appreciate feedback and other people's views on subjects. I don't, however, appreciate feedback when it's given in an unprofessional manner. I would like to close by saying that I trust Sir Jabba the Hutt about as far as I can throw him.

-- Lord Darth Vader --

Lord Vader truly believes that he has mystical powers of divination and prophecy. It is just such insensitive megalomania, heinous, sick egoism, and intellectual aberrancy that stirs Lord Vader to plant the seeds of anarchism into the tabulae rasae of children's minds. He is not just insidious. He is unbelievably, astronomically insidious.