Eyes of a Demon

This is a story I wrote my senior year in highschool. My teacher credited it as one of the best stories a student has ever written in his class. Even with the references to nudity and curse words it earned me a 100% A+ grade, something my teacher did maybe a total of once or twice in a semester or school year despite some typos and grammer errors. He was very supportive to any type of story his students wrote, grading only on the creativity of the story and how well it was written. At the time it would have been considered a PG-13 type story with R-Rated references.

After I passed his class (A+ of course) I revised and rewrote the story to be more descriptive and it could now be considered a bit more on the R-Rated side. I sent a copy to my teacher and he congradulated me for having taken the extra effort in adding onto an already great story. He even offered to write me referals for writing scholorships to colleges. However writing has become more of a pass time then a career in our times so i did not take his offer. If writing was a more profitable career then the occsional "lucky break' i may have continued my studies and became a writer.

It is one of my favorite stories i've ever written which is why i wanted to share it with other people who could take it seriously. I have taken out some one the more descriptive parts which i thought were too much for anyone who would ignore my warnings. Sadly this has taken away from the overall quality of the whole story and i spent some time rewriting entire sections to fill in the missing gaps i had removed. At the end of the story I will provide you with examples of parts I had removed.

Either way I'm proud to share with you...





"Blazin Aces," one of the most popular bars and entertainment clubs in this hellish
city. Natalia Chekov, who I have been tracking for the past three weeks, had been seen as
a dancer here...

When her parents met me in my office, they had said she had run off two days before. While in her room I could see it had been well thought out. Alot of her clothes were gone, as well any traces of a direct location where she went were missing. One thing could lead me in the right direction however. Throughout the room I found several matchbooks that came from a clubs and bars located inTallslow City, or as the locals, and anyone who knows of it existance calls it, "The City of Smoke."

Tallslow City was once an industrialized city until a chemical factory exploded. The explosion had caused a side affect in Tallslow's population, where the iris' of the people's eyes would turn red in most citizens when their heartbeat went up. It could be aquired as well after living there for a about a year. Typically due to the poisonous fog from the other factories' exhuast, and products made from water in the city.

Leading with my only clue I decided to take a drive to the city. After an extensive drive I was within the city limits. Wasn't hard to figure out when the exhaust from your car smells better then the air coming from your fan vents. The Club was located in one of the worst areas in the city. Then again this whole damned city was a hot zone. Basically a free for all for survival, even the smallest child could be bait for a gang's trap to lure in the unexpected traveler.

Standing in front of the door to "Blazin Aces," you couldnt help but notice the vapors coming from the air, drenched in cigar and weed smoke. When I opened the door a mist poured from it's doorway. With my black shades on I went blind momentarily as my eyes adjusted to the low light. Walking past many of Tallslow's denizens I took an open seat at the bar.

Looking at most of the faces the first thing I noticed was the glare coming from the blood in their eyes. The drugs combined with their iris' masking their eyes in a sheet of of crimson red. This demonic look was the famous style of the cities populace. The man next to me was slumped over, passed out, with a burning cigarette next to his mouth, half reduced to ash. I reached over his arm and took out a cigarette for myself from his pack, and lit it with the matches in front of him. The logo on the matches was the exact same as two of the matchbooks I found Natalia's room.

The two nude dancers currently on stage were not who I was looking for. Too young, probably 16, working in a buisness displaying their bodies for drunken perverts. not surprising, age means nothing here. It's not as if the cops were going to shut them down, since there were none. After their show the two dancers went into the back room with the two highest paying customers.

With luck the next dancer up was Natalia. Other then being half dressed she looked axactly like her photo. As I took a long drag off the cigarette. I decided it would be best to wait till after the show. It would be suicide to take away the devil's toy from a room full of demons, so I faced the bar again.

When she was done I took the pack of cigarettes from my unconcious friend, put five dollars in his jacket pocket, and walked to the stage. She had her arched naked back facing me while she was reaching down grabbing at her clothes and the cash scattered on the stage.

"I need to talk with you Natalia" I called to her.

As soon as I said Natalia she spun around to face me. When she did I was taken by surprise! The iris of her eyes were red, not blue!

"How do you know my sister?" she snapped sharply to me, causing some customers near the stage to look in my direction.

"Maybe we need to talk alone." I replied as soon as it hit me I wasnt talking to the right girl.

"Sorry," the red eyed dancer said, "your time, is my money."

"I pulled out a hundred dollars in twenties and placed it before me, "Is this worth some of your time?"

She took it along with the rest of her cash that she was busy craming into her shirt she had taken off in the dance, "Sit at that table over there in the corner by the stage door. I'll be over in five minutes." then she strutted offstage.




So I took the seat she had pointed out. Seven minutes later she walked out the door wearing a new white tank top, with no bra so her perky breast popped out, and black shorts. No doubt a look to attract more customers for later. She sat down in the seat across from me.

"So your looking for Natalia?" She said grabbing at the pack of cigarettes I had place in front of me. Of course, without even asking.

"That's Right," I replied quickly

"What for? I know your not lookng to see one of her shows if your so concerned talking to me."

"Your parents are looking for her."

As soon as I said this her expression turned bitter , "Why would they be looking for her? They didnt give a damn when 'I' left." she said coldly.

"That I dont know, I'm just here to get her home."

"What if she doesn't want to leave," as she says this I notice her once again blue eyes shimmering into a red glow.

Quickly I thought it better I change my approach or I wouldnt be able to get a hold of Natalia without this girl giving her a heads up. "Well then there wouldnt be much I could do then would there? So sis, whats your name anyways?"

She didnt seem like she wanted to tell her name till she said flaty, "Tanya."

"Well, Tanya, how come I didnt even know she had a sister? A twin to be more exact."

"Probably cause I'm not as wanted by our parents... I didnt leave on the best terms," her reply seemed more sad then angry.

My curiousity began leading the conversation, "What do you mean."

Since the conversation was turning more to her then Natalia she seemed more willing to talk. "Not that its your buisness, but when I took off I brought alot of cash from the house as well as a car. How else did you think I made it so well here in this city without being more then a common prostitute?"

"You have your own place?"

Tanya must've realised she let out more then she ment to. She'll probably stick around though. She's smart. If she told me to piss off now, I could just show up at her house by looking it up.

"yea an apartment," she replied.

"I take it your sister lives with you since you said she left on 'better terms' as you put it"

"Thats right..." Tanya knew that she was now trapped in an interrogation.

The ball was definitly in my court now, might as well go for the game point. "Well mind if I pay her a visit then?"

"What the hell, why not," she answered after a long pause, "good luck trying to bring her back though mister,"

"Vincent," I cut in.

"Vincent... she seems to enjoy her freedom here." she said cooly

"In that case where's this apartment of yours at?" I asked.

"On this street six blocks right after you exit the bar. It'll be a brown building on the corner."

"Thanks alot Tanya your a big help." I rose from the chair and started walking away leaving the cigarette pack on the table for her to look after.

"Wait!" Tanya yelped fromt the chair, "Stop by in about three hours she shouldbe home then.




I went straight there after leaving "Blazin Aces" and sure enough like Tanya had said no one was home, or at least no one opened the door. I could have picked the lock, but not wanting to get spotted in the act by the wrong kind of person, decided to get a meal at a nearby resturaunt. Roughly three hours later I tried again, and sure enough the door opened until the chain lock caught hold. Then a blue eyed Natalia looked in between the crack.

"Who are you?" she said cautiously.

I took off my shades in the hallway to show I ment no harm and tucked them in my jacket pocket. "Name's Vincent Forest, I'm a detective hired by your parents."

The door slammed closed, then I heard the chain being slid off the lock. At least she's willing to talk. Maybe Tanya was wrong and she's more willing then she thought to come home. When the door slowly opened the first thing I noticed was all the clothes scattered across the floor. Natalia had on jeans and a black v-neck shirt. Her hair was shorter then Tanya's only going to her shoulders. Other then that she looked exactly like Tanya.

"Your a detective?" she inquired.

"Yea, if you dont mind I'd like to talk to you about going home. Mind if I come in?"

Her expression had not changed much. She held a straight face as she replied, "Why not, just dont step on my sister's clothes."

Walking into the room I could see that other then a two seater sofa, and a tv, the clothes made up most of the living room. not too surprising since the girls made a living taking them off here in Tallslow. She strolled to the kitchen, while I took an open seat on the couch. She returned back over from the refridgerator with two beers.

A little more forcfully then I ment I asked Natalia, "Aren't you a little young for beer?"

"Your right, I guess you want me to drink the tap water instead?" she replied sarcastically.

"Good point." Was all I could say.

Sitting down on the seat next to me Natalia opened her beer and took a long gulp then faced me. "So your here to bring me home right? Well what makes you think I would want to leave?"

Just like Tanya had said this wasn't going to be easy. "Nothing, but I cant see why you want to stay though."

She seemed to flinch, then answered simply. "Why's that?"

"Well," I began, "even though you can do just about anything you want here, such as drink and strip, this town will get you in the end." Talking about her home would get me no where since she knows it better then I do, but maybe I could scare her into leaveing this dreaded "City of Smoke" instead. "If you stay here my guess is you'll be dead in at least 5 years, but thats probably a generous estimate. Either from some scum looking for cash and tail, or just plain breathing this foul air everyday." Her stare seemed to show a little more concern and understanding. "Also if you stay here another few months, you'll get those 'demon eyes' just like your sister."

She took a moment of consideration before answering, "So you want me to leave my sister just like that, out of the blue?" She then faced over to a window in the direction of her place of "buiseness"

"You know as well as I do she'll be fine. She's been here alot longer then you've been. If your going to leave with me we should go tonight. A storm's coming that'll make the road out unpassable, for a few days. If she notices you about to leave she might do something drastic," A small yet truthful lie.

The fumes over the city had a way of making clouds release the tiniest bit of water before passing. Along the way in town I had seen several large cloud clusters headed for the city. After a few minutes of silence she finnaly faced me. "Your right, she'll be fine without me. like you said even with its perks it's a deathtrap and I hate it here. Since you say we have to leave tonight I guess I'll start packing now."

Surprisingly I managed to convince her alot easier then I expected. Nothing more to do then wait for her to pack up. "Alright then. You have a bathroom?"

"Yea first door on the left in the hallway." she said while standing from the couch headed for two suitcases in the corner.

Natalia began to put clothes from the floor into one of the suitcases, so I stood up and walked to the bathroom. After I did my buisness I decided to take a look in the cabinets. There wasnt much other then dental appliances, common medicines, a contact case, and some hair products. After I was done. I walked out and saw she had one of the suitcases full already and the second was a nearly a quarter full.

"It should take five minutes," she called as she saw me enter the room.

"Take your time I'll just sit till your ready." I said, then I went back to the sofa and pulled out one of my own cigarettes I had gotten on the way here and began smoking it while she finished up. After she got what she needed from this room she went into the bathroom and came back out with various items. She placed them into the suitcase and closed it up.

"All set," she said springing to her feet.

I rose from the sofa and responded to Natalia, "I'll grab your stuff, just get the doors. Its the black Sedan out front."

As we began leave the apartment she went to the refridgerator and stuck a piece of paper onto it then she came back out to the hallway and locked the door.




We got to my car and I put her stuff in the backseat as she hopped into passenger. I started the engine and we drove in silence, as we drove past Blazin Aces Natalia turned her head to gaze at it from her window, and once we passed she faced the road again. After about an hour we were out of the Tallslow City. Once we were out she seemed to let out a sigh of relief.

For some reason things didnt feel right though. The way Natalia had acted didn't seem right. As the ride continued I began to piece the night together. When I first showed up she seemed too calm for a mysterious detective showing up. Never even asked how I found her. Didn't even inquire how I knew her sister had demon eyes. Maybe I'm just overthinking things, but I have to be sure. Without warning I jerked the steering wheel right then left causing Natalia to let out a shriek.

"Son of a bitch!!" she said furiously facing me and with blue eyes, "What the hell's the matter with you!"

"Pothole in the road just moving out of the way," I lied.

Even after getting her angry her eyes stayed blue. It had to be Natalia. Maybe Tanya had called her in advance and thats why she wasn't so surprised. She packed all her stuff in ten minutes though. Also she had placed a note on the refridgerator as we left, which I never saw her write. 15 minutes passed and I tried to ignore this knot that was building in my gut.

Then it hit me all of a sudden! Her eyes were blue because she made them that way... with contacts. No wonder Tanya had me show up three hours later. She had cut her hair shorter, wrote the note in advance, and decided what to bring with her. She just later played it off like she never met me before, and old twin trick. As if to prove me right Tanya reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out the same pack of cigarettes I had left at "Blazin Aces"

"Mind if I smoke?" Tanya asked innocently, already knowing the answer.

I could have turned around right then. She's a twin and Tanya's very intelligent. Only reason the twin trick didn't work on me was because we only had just met. While she tried to pretend to be her sister, I had still assumed I was meeting Natalia for the first time. Each little slip up Tanya made by not asking more questions, only raised a red flag in my mind. No doubt they had played this little game on their parent growing up. Her performance would only improve around familiar faces. She wouldnt't get caught and I'd still get paid.

I gave her a smile as I replied, " Go ahead, Natalia."



Back in Tallslow City, a pretty blue eyed Natalia was still working her shift at "Blazin Aces." She wondered why Tanya hadn't shown up for their "Twin Teen Dream" performance, their biggest profit out of any night. By the time she finished for the night Tanya would be back at their parent's home in her bed. No one would come looking for her till Tanya screwed up or Natalia got bored with her new exciting life. More then likely by the time either happened they would both be exact identical twins again...






Thank you for reading, and I hope you liked it and were not too offended by it.

If your curious about what was removed here's some of what was edited.
-When Vincent has the three hours till he supposed to meet Natalia i had to remove about half a chapters worth of how his time was spent other then a resturaunt. This included more of the denizen and how he saw their lives, includeing a hooker being, well, attacked is a better word for what was happening, and how Vincent steps in to save her. Sadly this involved too much vulgarity and such situations to include. As a result i couldn't think of a way to edit it while still holding to importance it pertained to the story. This is also where he accquires the 2nd pack of cigarettes. So rather then destroy my story and rewrite basically the entire 2nd half i found it easier just to say he "bought" them earlier.

-There was alot more description in the twins but for obvious reasons i prefered to let others cast their own depictions on them.

-When Vincent first meets Tanya, she actually tries to seduce him away from from finding Natalia, but the wording was too graphic for this forum.

Thats just some of what was edited.


I also need to do alot more description of the enviroment of Tallslow and it's denizens. As i said this is my favorite story i've written and I still have MUCH more to add to it.


Interesting Facts:
-I choose Natalia and Tanya as names because they were always my two favorite russian female names
-Tallslow is a symbolic. It was a city that once stood tall, but after the factory explosion it slowly sunk into a slum.



And now i end with this, I bet you all who read this thought it was a story based off my name. Pretty wrong weren't ya

what a shame. I'm sorry but while i had taken the time in indent the entire story accordingly the forum placed all of my lines to the left. I spent two hours on it after being up for 48 hours with only 2 hours of sleep throughout that time. I dont have the energy to manually space it out

Horrible grammar, but a very interesting story nonetheless. Definitely better than most people in my senior class could come up with.

As i said it was made to look nice and neat but the forum butchered it afterwards

The forum doesn't modify sentence structures, which was the cause of my complaint. It just modifies your periods and spaces.

wow if i m going to write a story here it will be longer then that

there i finally fixed the spacing the forum messed up. However tab and spaces in front of new paragraphs did not work for some reason...

I just read it again. Still enjoyed it.

Moar?

i could possibly do more and/or put in the parts i left out but thats alot of work im not quite up to at the moment