Army Men

In the middle of the metropolitan city of Fort Worth, Texas, there was a house near the highway. In the house lived a family of four, and a cat.

John, the husband, was a hermit. He built and sold birdhouses for a living, but also kept a scaled city in the spare room. He made everything in the small city, but he wasn’t that good of an electrician, so whenever a fire started it was declared that John started it. Diane, the mother, was a dutiful housewife who often had the other neighborhood women over for tea. Her bleak life was often pointless, and her shrill voice and menacing demeanor kept away troublesome neighborhood children.

Josh and Pen were the two children. Pen is a messy girl who is never at home and has her father wrapped around her little finger. She is never at home, and when she is, she’s on the phone in the backyard. John is also never at home, because his mother is, as he calls her, a bitch. However accurate or inaccurate that may be, neither of the children stay at home often.

In the spare bedroom.....
“Soldiers, men and women of the Plastic Army, I call you to arms.”, General Koa shouted to the regiments in front of him. They were lined up in Tiny Town, a hand made city made by the hermit father of the house. "Our brethren lie in darkness, trapped beneath folds of moth eaten covers and old toys. We must liberate our brothers, and with them, we will finally crush this Lego uprising!"

The crowd erupted into applause. Out of the excitement came a cry, "Diane!". Everyone fell silent, staying in the last possible pose without causing discomfort.

A booming voice echoed through the room. "John? Did you leave the TV on again?", the mother asked, peeking into the room. She walked over and inspected the city. "Why do they always look different...."

She left, and the city resumed as normal. "I was there when the Lego people betrayed us. First we must eliminate this opposition. This petty war has gone on long enough!"

More applause. "We will fight anything that stops our progress. We will fight them on the counter, we will fight them on the floor, we will fight them in the sink, We will not give up!"

He bowed to thundering applause. He waved as his helicopter took him off towards the main base.

"So how much longer do we have to do this?", one soldier asked another.

"I'm not sure I can fake enthusiasm anymore, he's not that good of a leader."

"I think you need to shut up and show the general some respect.", Finch said, finally finding his voice. "He's led us through the good and the bad."

"Who do you think you are?", the first soldier shouted, grabbing Finch by the collar and shaking him.

"Travis! Put him down!", his buddy hissed, watching the crowd forming. Boos and Hisses could be heard, and a Lieutenant came running towards the fight.

Finch was thrown hard against the ground.

“Fuck this war. I’m done.”, Travis shouted. “We do nothing but fight, have we even tried anything else?”

Tear gas fell between them, and the boot to the face knocked Finch out.


Under the daughter's bed....
Finch woke up in a perilous position. He was placed in an overturned Tupperware bowl by himself. Something heavy looking sat on top of it, locking him in. Remnants of food was clinging to the bottom, or as he saw it the top. Finch ripped off a piece and tasted it. Someone made cookies recently. It was rather delicious.

Someone started banging furiously on the side of his container. Finch looked through the dirty side of his prison.

“Finch, right?”, Travis asked. “I’m sorry I did this to you, man.”

“Get me out of here, and I might call it even.”, Finch replied. He planned to strangle Travis when he was set free.

A couple Lego people stacked themselves together, and all of them pushed the shoe off of Finch’s cage. Travis easily lifted the Tupperware up, and Finch rolled out and tackled him.

“You bastard! I was exiled for fighting with you! Bastard!”, Finch shouted, strangling Travis just as he wanted to. The Lego people pulled them apart.

“Fighting isn’t always the answer, Finch.”, Travis said. “This is a breakout, we need to help our brothers, Plastic shouldn’t fight plastic.”

And Travis left, with the Lego people. Finch finally looked up to see a war was going on. Gunfire shot back and forth as an all out war was upon them. Lego Stormtroopers were filing into the room, with AT-TE’s and tanks following.

Finch ran out into the field, and looted several bodies until he had adequate supplies.

sharpie lay prone on the top of the still fan, firing shot after shot down into the crowd of stormtroopers pouring into the room, every shot killing two toys and injuring a third. As his supply of ammunition began to deplete, he pulled out his radio and called in.

"Command this is sniper three, over" he yelled into the mike "Sharpie we read you loud and clear, what do you need" they replied.

"I need a god dam air-strike, their pouring through the door now, if we hit them now we can kill more with one strike than if they spread out, quadrants, at the fricking door"

Just then the fan started, someone had turned the microwave on in the house, and because of Johns expertise with wiring the fan turned.

Sharpie then jumped off the fan screaming bloody murder as he fell to the floor.

Finch looked for people he knew. He saw none, as he stayed to himself. He did see a couple Lego men, or women, fighting near a helicopter.

Something green flashed by him. Finch did a double take. Luke Skywalker ran past him, charging the Stormtroopers. Deflecting shot after shot, Luke took out at least a dozen Stormtroopers before being blasted to pieces.

Poor Luke, he showed so much potential. Something green flashed by him. Finch did a double take. Luke Skywalker ran past him, charging the Stormtroopers. Having more than one of you was a crime, apparently. Luke charged out again, only to meet the same fate.

Ignoring the half dozen Luke’s that now charged the Stormtroopers, Finch took off towards the helicopter. On the way he saw a sniper fall off the fan and into a pile of dirty underwear. The fall looked like it wasn’t fatal, but it would sure be embarrassing.

Joyful Jim was standing a small distance away from the helicopter, watching in dull fascination as swarms of stormtroopers came flooding in.
His real attention was focused on the helicopter though. He patted the pouch that contained his C4 lovingly. He tried to imagine how beautiful that flying machine would look exploding in midair...

Luke Skywalker fell not 20 feet away from Jim, looking much like swiss cheese. Jim snapped his attention to the stormtroopers that had shot Luke, and were now setting their sights at him.

He pulled out his handgun and started to make a mad dash to the helicopter.

Finch almost made it to the helicopter. Almost.....twenty feet from its safety, he was shot in the leg. Finch tried crawling, but couldn’t make it.

Rough, circular hands grabbed him. “We are Bob! Come with us to safety!”

"Indeed you must, for survival.", Yoda adds in.

Bob, a Lego with no face, a plain blue shirt and brown pants carried Finch to the four other Bobs. They each carried some sort of elephant gun. One of them held three, one in each hand and one on his head. Bob was truly a force to be reckoned with.

Clyde was in some sort of toy helicopter. He didn't remember getting inside of it. He didn't remember much these days, actually. After living in a stomach for three years, you learn how to block things out of your mind.

Suddenly, the silence began to bother him. Well it wasn't really silence. In fact, everyone was talking except him. And there were loud noises in the background. Clyde hoped they were fireworks.

"You know, the last time I flew, it was in a seagull." Clyde said, leaning next to the nearest person. He didn't know what else to say.

"Great." Doc said without any emotion to the guy next to him.
Doc wasn't a fan of nutcases or funny guys and he had a feeling that this guy could be both.

The small plastic helicopter platoon was flying towards the battle of the green carpet, where the rebel lego army have forced our tactical team to retreat.


One of the leaders of the heli platoon could be heard talking on the radio to the team.
"SHHH--- There may be wounded men on that --SHHH--- battlefield! We never leave an army man behind! Hopefully we can give enough ---SHHH--- supporting fire to get our guys outta there! ETA 2 minutes! OUT! -SHHH---"

"Well that's wonderful," Doc said aloud, "2 minutes to sit here and chat."

Jim took a round.

He fell face first, a very short distance away from his destination. The pain in his right shoulder was incredible, the grin left his face as he writhed on the ground.

But only for a moment.

Another shot was fired, it hit the dirt an inch from Jim's head. He rolled over, handgun in his right hand, and he emptied the whole damn clip in the direction of the 3 stormtroopers firing on him.

Tom glanced at the men in the backseat of his chopper, all nervous looking. Tom couldn't blame them, as this was only his second combat flight. The first had ended with half a platoon being dropped in the blender, but he wasn't going to enlighten the current occupants of that fact. Glancing at the ground below them, tom yelled out, "Thirty seconds to the lz! Get on that...thing there. The side gun! Get on it!"

"30 SECONDS!"
The killzone, Doc knew from experience.

Suddenly, the lego artillery turned towards the advancing helicopters.

Screaming explosive rounds the size of the Doc's fist zigzagged all around the copter. Every third shot was a tracer round that left a bright yellow trail, behind it. The rounds exploded in midair, shooting shrapnel into the airspace. The helicopter next to the Doc's exploding into a plastic fireball as it took a direct hit.

The Doc saw the pilot was was sweating profusely and shaking. He put his hand on his shoulder and said.
"Don't worry, Rookie. We will see through this."

Just then the helicopter's emergency waring siren screeched.

Responding in his normal, cool manner, Tom said, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!"

Three seconds later, he realized he hit a wrong button, corrected his mistake, and laughed nerviously, retracting his previous statement. Sighting the enemy artillery, Tom carfully lined up his reticules, then fired a salvo of missles at the blocky cannon.

"Well ain't this a bitch?" Clyde said with a whistle.

He lit an incredibly tiny cigarette with an incredibly tiny lighter, and began to puff on it. However, all he managed to do was melt his face.

"Oh, if only I had lungs..."

"FIRE THAT WEAPON! don't give the bastards a chance!" yelled thick to his private but no sooner than the words left his mouth private was turned into a cloud of green mist by a Lego grenade.

"fuck" yelled thick as he pulled out his shotgun. BOOM all of a sudden thick was tackled by a large Lego man with his face half melted off. The Lego man brought his fist down but thick rolled out of it just in time. Thick blasted the bastard three times wiping the rest of that pathetic yellow smile off his round cheaply painted face.

Two of the Bob's dragged Finch into the pilot's chair, while the other shouted a familiar, “We are Bob! Come with us to safety!”. An unjured Lego with half a face was strapped into a chair.

Finch started the helicopter, and was about to take off when one of the Bob's gave his elephant gun to another Bob, and ripped the side turret from its place.

The Bob with the side turret marched boldly out onto the field.

“Good bye Bob.”

The missiles detonated several inches away from the cannons, sending explosive shrapnel all across them. Burning plastic bodies were blown a foot away.

The helicopter swooped down through the smoke with a roar.

Without the smoke in the way, the green carpet battlefield could clearly be seen. In the words of his former captain, Captain Ham, it was a "huge clusterfuck".
Artillery and lego tanks were pounding the remaining army soldiers as massive lego at-at's and gunships fired at them. Many army helicopters were taking off from the LZ and flying towards the living room, away from the battle. Many wounded army men were on the ground, retreating and firing backwards at the approaching lego army.

"There!" Doc said to the pilot, pointing to the ground. "By that downed helicopter!"
The pilot jerked the heli down with a string of "Fuck fuck fuck!"

Small arms fire and rocket propelled grenades flew over the helicopter as it stopped just a centimeter above the ground. The army men jumped out as bullets ricocheted around them.

"Grab the wounded!" The Doc shouted, swinging his rifle around.

The army men ran through the fire, dragging screaming and wounded army men into the copters. Rifle rounds and machine gun fire pinged all around them as Doc ran from army man to army man, assessing wounds and distributing medication.
It only took 20 seconds for every wounded soldier to get loaded on. Doc was about to hop back on when he saw a shimmer in the distance. A wounded army man was crawling desperately towards the chopper. The Doc didn't want to lose another man. Staring at the pilot, he shouted over the sounds of explosions and whirling lego blades.
"COVER ME! I'M GOING AFTER HIM!"
The pilot shouted back, "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIO-" an explosion deafened the rest.
The Doc ran through enemy fire all the way to the wounded soldier.

"You're going to be alright! What's your name?!" The Doc shouted lifting the bleeding plastic man onto his shoulders.
"S-s-sharpie!" The plastic man said before passing out.

A squad of stormtroppers on hover bikes saw the men and sped towards them. Just inches before they could fire their weapons, a faceless lego, wielding a mini-gun fired rapidly, kill them just short of the Doc.

"Holy..." The Doc said.

"Get to the chopper!" The faceless lego said as the rookie pilot screamed down just inches away from the Doc.

The Doc threw the wounded man in the heli and hopped in himself.

Finch was pulled from his chair and placed in the new copter, along with the other injured. The Bob's also got into the helicopter, except for the one mowing down dozens at a time with the side turret.

The helicopter took off, swinging wildly to avoid artillery fire.

A tan army man with a red cross crudely painted on his forehead ran into the battlefield after a downed army man. The rookie pilot swore madly and swung the heli after him. After picking them up, the turret wielding Bob stayed on the ground providing cover fire.

“Take us to Tiny Town!”, the Bob’s said in unison. The helicopter flew over the couch, past the fleeing army soldiers. Taking a sharp right, it took off down the hall, narrowly avoiding being seen as Diane moved from the bathroom to her room. Another hard right, and the dark yellow eyes of Nixon followed them into the spare bedroom.

They landed on the helipad in Tiny Town. Finch smiled, because he was home.

“We will go to the Town Hall. Meet us there. Or we’ll find you.”, a Bob said, in a rather vicious way.

Finch was taken to an emergency medic tent, where the screams of others clouded his thoughts. He was rapidly losing plastic, having not bandaged his leg properly.

Looking around revealed a ghastly sight. Army men cut in half, bleeding out while trying to hold onto their spilling innards. Lego men with nothing below the waist.

And even the Holy Grail's Black Knight was in the hospital, only one bed away from Finch.

"It's only a flesh wound!", he shouted. He had no arms or legs. Finch almost retched, but held it back.

Over his radio, Finch heard that more helicopters had evacuated the Green Carpet battlefield.

(I'll just assume that Lego people can change clothes like normal people)

Jennifer zipped up her jacket, before leaving the bar at a brisk pace. A particularly grabby patron had tried to feel her up, and she smashed a chair against his back.

She left before the cops could be called or she got jumped. It was easy, all she did was cross the street and go into the town hall.

"Hello.", several people said at once. Jen jumped backward a few centimeters. The faceless people in front of her seemed to be clones of each other.

"We are Bob. Come with us and sit down.", was more of a statement than a question, and Jen complied lest she be thrown out and jumped.